Mary

Way to go! You wrote a song!

It was pretty good as far as I know.

-Lea

its a cute song, and it has a meaning behind it...
but it seems like we have to really dig to find it.

i agree with some of the verses being unnessesary, and maybe some of them are out of place.

you rhymed, yes, but maybe you could find a deeper meaning for your rhymes...

"V2 Get rid of this
I danced for you
but you ignored
I sang for you
but you acted bored "

seems... like you just found words to rhyme, honestly.

im sorry if i am too harsh.
if i heard it sung... that might help
songs are always better in trheir music form.

keep going! maybe a few fixes here and there, but you are on the path to success!

Hahahahahahaha.....sorry.....I found this amusing....




My name's Mary.

Hey, I loved it actually but I agree with the above reader about some stanza's been unneccessary.

I know how hard lyrical writing is cos I've tried it before but overall I liked it.
However, there are a few things you could have done o improve it since it sounds more like aherat breaking poem, alliterations and similes would work very well.

I am not a poet but I think it could be improved.
THANK YOU.

I've been absent from the lyrics forum for a while, and I saw that this song had no critiques, so I jumped straight to fixing that!

V1 Please get rid of this. It's really annoying and unessacery.
I was waitin waiting
for a long time
before I found you there
your gorgeous smile,
your pretty face,
and oh your flowing hair.

This part works in sense of tune and rhyming, but it's more of a nursery-rhyme or poem tune, instead of a song. But it's okay, so you could keep it like that if you wished.


chorus Again, get rid of this.
Mary oh Mary, can't you see
this is more than what you think it to be This line is really awkward because it's so long. Shorten it.
this could be so much more
your you're the girl that I adore


V2 Get rid of this
I danced for you
but you ignored
I sang for you
but you acted bored
cause you never knew
just how much I cared...
..for you

I like this verse. It simple and easy to sing, but I don't think there's enough in it.

V3
I've been blinded by your beauty
now I'm wandering alone Great two lines.
without your love
I'm just rag and bone
hear me out Mary
open your ears
I got some words
for you to hear These last four lines don't really go. I'd revise them.

chorus Just copy and paste the chorus here, so we don't have to scroll up to see it.

V4
Mary please come back
a years year's to too long
can"t express my love
with a simple song
give me sign
give me a glance
just so I know
that I have a chance I like the last four lines. They're very well done.


V5
goodbye now,
my final words
made this song for you, This line is really awkward. I'd get rid of it, or at least change it to something shorter.
I hope you heard
see you again
in some other light
but for your love
I'll still have to fight

chorus



Well, there. To stress this I'll tell you again that I found the V1, V2, V3, etc., really annoying. We don't need them to be there. And having to scroll up again to see the chorus is also really irritating.

You have a simple tune, which is good, but with some lines you stray away from it and you don't seem to know what the tune is anymore. My advice: keep the same tune for all the verses unless you have a strong idea of what you're doing.

Good luck!